People

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been looking for inspiration. Something to write about, something to think about. Not that there’s really a lack of it lately, there’s just mostly a lack of words to describe it. I get these… moments lately, every now and again, where I can just stand still and say “thank you”. I look up at the sky and ask in my heart: Why am I so blessed, and why do we still sometimes find reasons to look past all that blessings to complain about the useless things. I am blessed. Truly. God has given me so much.

And so, here I am. It’s the middle of the night and I’m sitting on the couch in the living room, the TV screen lighting up the dark room. I’m keeping my hands busy by folding the kids’ washed clothes, while the two Labradors are lying at my feet and I’m crying my eyes out, because on the screen Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston is standing at Marley’s grave with their three beautiful kids by their side. And while experiencing all of this, and giving the dogs (the two buggers that usually drives me nuts) each a kiss on the head, I just know, this is one of those moments. Those moments where you feel that everything is worth while: Life is beautiful. People are beautiful. Even the ones that you don’t get along with. The ones that you, somehow, always manage to start an argument with about the unimportant things in life. And the ones that do really stupid things, because somewhere in their soul something is broken. Sometimes even the random strangers that pass you by on the street. When I’m in one of these moods, I can just get out of the little box that is me, and stare at my surroundings for a while, especially at the people. Because people are so interesting, so beautiful, so extremely different from each other, and still, somehow, each has his place in the world. Each with their own unique life, their own little world, and their own way of thinking. And somewhere, somehow, there is always somebody who will love them just the way they are. Somebody who will be their friend, their spouse, their sibling, or fellow human being… to make life worth while.

A week ago I was amongst the white, snowy mountains in a little Swiss village called Saas Almagell. Every day, I would get on the ski lift and look down at the world with awe - Gravity pulling heavily at the two ski’s on my feet. The only sound that you hear is the whispering bzzz of the lift-cable and the distant laughter of the people on the slopes. It's just you, and the mountains, sharing a moment of silent awe. The snowflakes are slowly floating down to earth, in complete silence, as if the mountain is holding it’s breath for something, and we dare not distract him. It’s all wonderful: Sliding down the icy mountain on a pair of ski’s, looking up at the peaks of the Alps, the sun smiling through the mist and causing the bright white snow to glisten, as if the earth is covered in glitter… but the most wonderful part of it all is sharing it with everybody else up there. I was up on that mountain all week, surrounded by random strangers. Sometimes I got tired and frustrated (with my poor ski techniques). After a rough day of skiing, the muscles in my arms and legs were aching, and the ski shoes were bruising my ankles. At times, I was stuck in the thick snow, too tired to dig myself out of there and frustrated, because I know I was turning too slowly, stopping too late, or simply not leaning forward enough… then I would look up and smile, because it doesn’t matter. I’m there to experience it all. I never did anything to deserve such a blessing, it was just given to me and I can share the joy of it with so many people around me.

The mountain is covered with people from all over Europe, each speaking a different language, each having their own ways, their own story. When you can’t speak their language, the best way of communicating is exchanging a sincere smile, lending out a helping hand when they’re down on the ground and sometimes ending up right next to them in the snow, and sharing a good laugh about it. The whole experience wasn’t about going on an expensive ski-holiday, staying in the best hotel, having the best equipment and being the best skier on the slope. I quickly realised that none of that matters to me. It was about the people: Watching a two year old boy on a tiny pair of ski’s, standing between his father’s legs and confidently trusting in his daddy’s movements while moving downward together. Watching the little kids holding on to each others ski sticks, skiing in a neat line behind their instructor. If you’re not holding on to the one in front of you, then you, and the rest of the kids behind you, are lost. Experiencing how a simple Christmas present can light up a little boy’s heart, and observing the special bond amongst a small, broken family when they share their hearts with each other.

These are the things that make life worth living. Sharing our struggles, sharing our smiles, and blessing somebody else, because I am blessed with so much. We don’t live life for ourselves. It is not about MY life and how successful I am at living it, it’s about living this life for the other people around me. That’s the way we were made. Once we stop struggling to try and make life perfect for ourselves, we start realizing that there is so much more out there, than just your own insignificant life. We weren’t put on this earth to be alone. We were meant to share, to care and to love. To have relationships with the people sharing this life. That’s how we learn, that’s how we grow and that’s how we manage to keep moving forward, no matter what.

Identity

I've been through a lot of ups and downs in the past year, and I know I'm not done with them yet, but I have finally come to a point where I can look back at it all and make sense of my life up to this point. I think the lessons that I learned in the past year all comes down to two things...

Both these things hit me within one week, earlier this year during a worship week at our church in London. I was one of the musicians on stage every night, and I found it hard to keep myself together as one of the 'leaders' because there was such a lot of things happening on the inside. This was just after some serious dissapointments, using all my strength to try and make my life work in London, trying to make sense of who I am and what I'm supposed to do and having no hope or courage left to go on. I think that we need to be broken down to our foundations sometimes, before we can start building on it again. I will share a bit of these experiences with you, since I'm constantly looking back on it all lately.

You know, the reason that I had so many disorientations of who I really am, and feeling that I'll never be good enough or strong enough to make it through life, was because my identity was based on the wrong things. I never realized this before, but it took another musician, somebody that I could relate to and compare myself with, to point out my misconceptions. You see, my whole life, since I was four years old, I have been a musician. That is what I was known for (amongst the small selection of Bloemfonteiners that knew me) and I didn't like having a reputation, but I didn't know the alternative, so I became used to the idea that my identity was based on how successful I am at being a musician. Later I also developed a passion for drama and theatre Going to university after school, people expected that I'll study music and become a professional musician, because that is who I was, right? No, I rebelled against it completely and decided to start over. I stopped my piano and violin lessons, quit most of the choirs and orchestras and focused everything on studying drama and theatre, except, I needed some extra subjects, and thought it would be a great idea to develop my voice a litlle, so I started to take some singing lessons, just as an extra subject, something on the side... and before I knew it my teacher was pushing me to become a professional singer and my reputation as a musician/singer just expanded beyond my work in the theatre. My most frequently asked question was: "So how many instruments can you play?" I was always extremely busy with all kinds of productions and exams and competitions, and again, I started with the same life I had before: I pushed myself very hard to do as many things as possible, because if I couldn't prove to myself that I could make it as an artist, I would be a complete failure, and useless to the world.

It all got too much for me at some stage and it never really seemed to make sense, so I moved to London to try out some new things. I wasn't able to get a job in the entertainment industry, so I had to find some other ways of making money. I had to do waitressing at first, and later started to be a teaching assistant. I felt like such a failure, because I had this idea that my identity was connected to the job I do, and I wasn't a waitress, I was an artist!! I avoided talking about myself when other South-Africans asked me what job I do. I don't know if it's a South African thing, or just a human thing, but people like to put you in a little box the moment they meet you, and the first question they ask to be able to do this is: "So what do you do for a living?" (One of those trivial questions of social small talk that doesn't really intrest me.) I wanted so badly to show to people that I am better than they think, to tell them that they should look past the job I do and just give me chance to prove to them that I am a talented artist, not a waitress! (It sounds so ridiculous now, saying it out loud) My only chance of really doing that, was in church.

I stood up there on the stage every third Sunday and, although it wasn't in my personality to show off or be boastful, in the back of my head I always hoped that people would notice my talents and see me for 'who I really am'. I still catch myself doing it these days. I HATE it, but I guess, standing on a stage, we will never be completely rid of that temptation to self-indulge. It wasn't until a successful worship singer from South Africa came to visit us in London, that I realized why I was so confused. God says surrender your life to Him, and by this He really means EVERYTHING. Even your dreams and talents, even your personality, your identity and everything that you think makes you who you are. Because it all came from Him in the first place! We do not have the power as humans to live a complete life. We need God's spirit to live through us, and the only way of letting Him take control is to surrender everything that we are and fully rely on Him. The definition of being humble, is not to have a low self-esteem, it is to know: I am who I am in God. I am nothing on my own, but everything through God. It is my one goal to make this part of my being, so that I can stand on stage and know it is ALL about God. Nothing is about me. Only when I can trust myself in really living this way, will I be able to step into the entertainment industry with confidence again, and try and do God's work through the talents that He gave me. That was my first realisation. The second was this:

See, people tend to say that the disciples of the old days had it so much easier and they are so lucky, because they knew Jesus personally and saw his miracles first handedly. That might be true, but we should remember that the disciples were very confused at that stage. They didn't know the truth that we know now, they didn't have the power of the Holy Spirit within them, they didn't have the Bible that we have today - they therefore needed miracles to help them see and believe. We don't need those miracles because, although we can't see Jesus with our eyes and know him as a human, we know him in our hearts, He's a part of us! Isn't that so much better? After Jesus died as a human, he came to live IN us through His Spirit, and in that way we can live through the power of God. The Bible said the power that is within us, is the same power that was used to raise Jesus from the dead! The only thing standing between us and that power, is our sinful nature as human beings. It will always be a part of us, but if we give it up to God, and give up trying so hard by ourselves, we can grow nearer to God, becoming more like Jesus every day. Then we are able to live our lives through the Spirit and not through the world.