Both these things hit me within one week, earlier this year during a worship week at our church in London. I was one of the musicians on stage every night, and I found it hard to keep myself together as one of the 'leaders' because there was such a lot of things happening on the inside. This was just after some serious dissapointments, using all my strength to try and make my life work in London, trying to make sense of who I am and what I'm supposed to do and having no hope or courage left to go on. I think that we need to be broken down to our foundations sometimes, before we can start building on it again. I will share a bit of these experiences with you, since I'm constantly looking back on it all lately.
You know, the reason that I had so many disorientations of who I really am, and feeling that I'll never be good enough or strong enough to make it through life, was because my identity was based on the wrong things. I never realized this before, but it took another musician, somebody that I could relate to and compare myself with, to point out my misconceptions. You see, my whole life, since I was four years old, I have been a musician. That is what I was known for (amongst the small selection of Bloemfonteiners that knew me) and I didn't like having a reputation, but I didn't know the alternative, so I became used to the idea that my identity was based on how successful I am at being a musician. Later I also developed a passion for drama and theatre Going to university after school, people expected that I'll study music and become a professional musician, because that is who I was, right? No, I rebelled against it completely and decided to start over. I stopped my piano and violin lessons, quit most of the choirs and orchestras and focused everything on studying drama and theatre, except, I needed some extra subjects, and thought it would be a great idea to develop my voice a litlle, so I started to take some singing lessons, just as an extra subject, something on the side... and before I knew it my teacher was pushing me to become a professional singer and my reputation as a musician/singer just expanded beyond my work in the theatre. My most frequently asked question was: "So how many instruments can you play?" I was always extremely busy with all kinds of productions and exams and competitions, and again, I started with the same life I had before: I pushed myself very hard to do as many things as possible, because if I couldn't prove to myself that I could make it as an artist, I would be a complete failure, and useless to the world.
It all got too much for me at some stage and it never really seemed to make sense, so I moved to London to try out some new things. I wasn't able to get a job in the entertainment industry, so I had to find some other ways of making money. I had to do waitressing at first, and later started to be a teaching assistant. I felt like such a failure, because I had this idea that my identity was connected to the job I do, and I wasn't a waitress, I was an artist!! I avoided talking about myself when other South-Africans asked me what job I do. I don't know if it's a South African thing, or just a human thing, but people like to put you in a little box the moment they meet you, and the first question they ask to be able to do this is: "So what do you do for a living?" (One of those trivial questions of social small talk that doesn't really intrest me.) I wanted so badly to show to people that I am better than they think, to tell them that they should look past the job I do and just give me chance to prove to them that I am a talented artist, not a waitress! (It sounds so ridiculous now, saying it out loud) My only chance of really doing that, was in church.
I stood up there on the stage every third Sunday and, although it wasn't in my personality to show off or be boastful, in the back of my head I always hoped that people would notice my talents and see me for 'who I really am'. I still catch myself doing it these days. I HATE it, but I guess, standing on a stage, we will never be completely rid of that temptation to self-indulge. It wasn't until a successful worship singer from South Africa came to visit us in London, that I realized why I was so confused. God says surrender your life to Him, and by this He really means EVERYTHING. Even your dreams and talents, even your personality, your identity and everything that you think makes you who you are. Because it all came from Him in the first place! We do not have the power as humans to live a complete life. We need God's spirit to live through us, and the only way of letting Him take control is to surrender everything that we are and fully rely on Him. The definition of being humble, is not to have a low self-esteem, it is to know: I am who I am in God. I am nothing on my own, but everything through God. It is my one goal to make this part of my being, so that I can stand on stage and know it is ALL about God. Nothing is about me. Only when I can trust myself in really living this way, will I be able to step into the entertainment industry with confidence again, and try and do God's work through the talents that He gave me. That was my first realisation. The second was this:
See, people tend to say that the disciples of the old days had it so much easier and they are so lucky, because they knew Jesus personally and saw his miracles first handedly. That might be true, but we should remember that the disciples were very confused at that stage. They didn't know the truth that we know now, they didn't have the power of the Holy Spirit within them, they didn't have the Bible that we have today - they therefore needed miracles to help them see and believe. We don't need those miracles because, although we can't see Jesus with our eyes and know him as a human, we know him in our hearts, He's a part of us! Isn't that so much better? After Jesus died as a human, he came to live IN us through His Spirit, and in that way we can live through the power of God. The Bible said the power that is within us, is the same power that was used to raise Jesus from the dead! The only thing standing between us and that power, is our sinful nature as human beings. It will always be a part of us, but if we give it up to God, and give up trying so hard by ourselves, we can grow nearer to God, becoming more like Jesus every day. Then we are able to live our lives through the Spirit and not through the world.
